Self Doubt

I think I screwed up.

...Well... I guess, ultimately, this will help me in the long run, but I think I went about my cancer research fundraising all wrong.  I wanted to do everything right, legit and legal, so I decided the best route was to create a non-profit organization.  Also, I wanted to prove to myself that I had the ability to start up my own business from scratch.

When I came up with this idea on how to raise money, I just started feeling that business school was fairly useless, because everything that I was learning I could also learn through real world experiences.  What better way to gain real world experience than to tackle it head on and start up your own business, right?

What happened is that I got ridiculously overwhelmed with so much government paperwork and regulatory bullshit that I didn't even know where to begin.  My lawyer helped a bit, but since he doesn't specialize with non-profit work, there was a bit that he didn't know, which meant that it's up to me to figure a lot out.  I can't complain really about it, the price is right, and there would be absolutely no way that I would be able to afford any other lawyer. 

Here's an interesting piece of information that I learned: government workers cannot tell you what is legal. It was the most bizarre thing for me to say "Here is what i want to do, can i do this" and get this in return, "we cannot offer legal advice."  Granted, my idea is bordering the line of stupid/illegal, and they are just covering their ass legally, but it's just frustrating.

Realizing that starting a non-profit organization was taking far more time and effort that I originally expected... silly, naive me... I decided that I would apply for independent study credits at school.  To me, starting up a non-profit, creating a marketing campaign, creating an accounting program in excel, and raising money for cancer reasearch would be perfect for an independent study project.  But for some, bizarre reason that I will never understand, CSUSM said that this project has "no academic merit."  Which was the most discouraging/frustrating thing that has happened to me yet. 

I don't know... After that happened I lost my drive to really get things accomplished, I've had paperwork for about 2 months that I just started on today.  I feel so awkward whenever I go and meet with something for something with my organization.  I tried to go talk to the manager at Major Market to see if we could shoot a scene there for one of our promotional videos, and I didn't even know what I was going to say.  I have zero confidence when it comes to situations like that, I start blathering on like an idiot (more so than usual). 

I know I am so close to getting things done and running, just a few more legal things... which I've said probably about a hundred times before it, then more things get piled on... and I neeeeeeed to get in contact with the guys in charge of designing my website and get that thing finished. 

I've also given up all hope on making any money off of this project at all.  I'm going to treat this as just a learning experience.

I've learned a lot about myself through this past year of attempting to start this organization, and it will help me in future ventures.  For one, I know now that I'm way more comfortable being behind the scenes and creative than in the limelight.  While I don't think this particular idea would work unless it was anyone but me, I'd much rather have someone else be the poster boy in future things.  I also know that I need someone else to make calls and deal with the people that i'm far too awkward to successfully interact with. 

By Saturday, my goal is to have all legal stuff submitted and be ready to launch March, 1st.

I really, really, think this is possible.

It would've been easier to not make a non-profit organization, soooo much easier. Let's see if all this pain and stupidness was worth it.